Seldom Welcome

no, Ill call U

2009-01-30T16:13:00.001-06:00

Dear Seldom Welcome,

Im a regular business guy, but i want to be sure that everyone nos how cool and with it I am. SO this is my out-of-office email: "Out of office till monday call u then"

sweet right!? -Cool Dude

CD,

Let me tell you about cool. Cool is proper grammar and spelling. Let me tell you about sweet. Sweet is using just the right punctuation, like a fine wine that perfectly compliments a meal. Or like a sentence with punctuation.

Hope to hear from you on Monday. -SW

Holiday Five-Pack

2008-12-27T15:53:00.003-06:00

Dear Ad-Wizards Who Came up with That One,

The Holiday Five-Pack Heineken Commercial: Not funny. This guy in the commercial is probably a beer-drinker, right? I mean, he so desires a beer that he can't help but crack open an already-wrapped gift.

So, you're telling me that he doesn't have any beer in his fridge? And that beer would be cold, while the stuff in the six-pack is warm. Also, warm Heineken? Gag me with a spoon.

So, if you ever give me a holiday five-pack, you'll be receiving a holiday five-bottle-shaped-welts-on-your-forehead. Fairly warned. - SW

More from Starbucks

2008-11-02T09:24:00.004-06:00

Two letters from Starbucks this morning:

Dear Seldom Welcome,
All of my coffee order have several special conditions. Also, I apparently know the lady who works at Starbucks. Is it ok for me talk to her for several minutes after I've placed my order, even though there are people in line behind me? Also, I am kind of cute. Does that make a difference? - Girl with a Weird Hat

Dear Girl,
It's good that you have noticed and probably made very insightful commentary on society's double-standards regarding beauty and customer service. However, I would advise you that there really isn't an acknowledged double-standard regarding how long people ought to stand in line being talky. There is one standard. I call it the Get Ought of Line Once You Get Your Change standard. Feel free to apply it liberally. - SW

Seldom Welcome,
I would like all of my neighbors to think that I am a super-dedicated athlete. Thereby, I go to get coffee wearing iPod earbuds and running tights. - Really a Runner

RR,
No one disbelieves that you are an athlete. Until they see you in your tights at Starbucks, that is. Also, stop using words like "thereby." It just makes you look like a poseur. Well, more of a poseur. - SW

So close!

2008-10-16T19:35:00.005-05:00

Dear United Airlines Billboard,

If you pay me $20 per day, I will proofread you.

Signed,

Seldom Welcome
Blog

Put them in there! Do not put them in there!

2008-10-07T19:46:00.004-05:00

Dear Someone who Lives in my Building,

Yes, it does take a long time to pour the laundry detergent out of the cup. Those several viscous ounces pour soooo slowly!

BUT! Someone, it turns out you don't need to just drop the whole cup, plastic and all, into the wash. AND! You don't need to leave it in there afterward, making me wonder how something foreign invaded my washing.

Let's not see what detritus next week's laundry brings, kay!?

You can call on me. Or so one would think.

2008-10-06T21:10:00.001-05:00

A whole new era of office-related advice!

Dear Guy who Tried to Call me Today,

I respect your persistence, but here's the first thing: I emailed you. Maybe that means I wanted you email back? Just a thought. Not call. Email.

It was very clever of you to look up my company's website, based on the fact that I told you where I work (in my signature). Now, I'm pretty sure my name is in the voicemail directory, so...how did you end up calling someone's cell phone? That shouldn't have seemed right.

Then, after you got me (and I gave you my extension) how did you end up calling my boss's cell phone? That's the weirdest part, you know? Sometimes I just don't get you, Guy who Tried to Call me Today.

Talk to you soon! Call me!

More Efficient Complaining

2008-09-21T11:28:00.002-05:00

I'm testing out an iPhone app (iPod touch actually) that lets me post to Blogger. If successful, it would mean that I could sometimes give unwanted advice to people just as they annoy me, rather than waiting until I get home.

I know you're excited about that prospect.

Posted with LifeCast

This shouldn't be so hard

2008-09-11T09:53:00.001-05:00

To: Two Old Guys who Tried to Steal our Seats at the Soccer Game
CC: Surly Guy Who Wouldn't Slide Over to his Actual Seats when We All Arrived

Yes, I know it's a grand tradition to move to better seats at sporting events.

Yes, we should all be friends and work together to support the US soccer team.

Yes, there are plenty of good seats in the stadium.

Here's the thing -- It was before the national anthems. And we had the actual tickets. That means, by every rule in the book, you have gotta get out of my seats when I ask you to. Also, you are like 55 or 60 years old. You should know better.

These two conversations should not happen.

Me (returning from getting food; seeing our entire 6-seat area taken): Hi. Are you sure you're in the right row?
Head Old Guy: No.
Me: OK...well, I have a group, and we'd like to sit in our actual seats.
HOG: So. There's plenty of good seats.
Me: Um. We just want to sit in the seats we paid for, and we want to sit together.
HOG (taking some other seats that aren't his): Wow, don't make such a [expletive deleted] deal about it.

Me (noticing another group has slid into some of our seats): Hi. We have up to number 12. Are you sure you're in the right numbers?
Surly Guy (takes out a ticket, folded to hide his seat number): What does it matter?
Me: Well, we have a group of seats, and we want to sit together.
Reasonable Guy (shifting his surly friend): We have some space to move down.
Me (politely, to Surly Guy): Thank you.
SG: [expletive deleted] you.

Let's make a deal

2008-09-09T22:13:00.001-05:00

So, usually I just dispense advice outwardly, because, seriously, I'm almost perfect. But, just for today, I'm going to take a little of my own medicine.

And it has nothing to do with the number of commas in those first two sentences.

Here is a compromise that I am proposing:

I - will be more aware of pedestrians when I'm biking through a crosswalk.
You - will not try to kill me by screaming in my ear as I pass through a crosswalk, sending me flying off my bike and careening into oncoming traffic, just because I didn't come to a complete stop at a STOP sign.

Deal?

Quiet please

2008-08-26T11:25:00.001-05:00

Jason writes...

Dear Mom in Borders,

When your small child is repeatedly SCREAMING, that is not necessarily an indication that you should just wait it out and he/she'll calm down. If you're in a book store, please PLEASE just take your yelling, crying, upset child OUTSIDE. It will make everyone happier. Particularly if it seems like this behavior will continue for 20+ minutes.

Josh adds...

ATTN: All parents
Add church to that list while we're at it. We all appreciate the fact that your kids have to be somewhere, but unless we're on a) an airplane, b) a submarine, or c) a spacecraft* please help us enjoy the few quiet places.

* - or some unholy combination of all three!

Not funny

2008-08-22T14:58:00.001-05:00

Dear Ladies at the Front of the Line at Starbucks,

No matter how much or how loudly you laugh at yourselves, it turns out that it is not funny for you to pretend that you can't decide what you want to order. It is also not funny to pretend you forgot your wallets. I know, I was surprised too.

Here's an extra tidbit too. The guy who works there is laughing along because he is hoping for a tip. Also it is all he can do to keep himself from throwing the cash register at you.

Choose one

2008-08-19T11:10:00.001-05:00

If you're walking down the bike path by the lake, and you've got your kids in one of those double-wide strollers, you're going to have to choose only one (at most) of these activities to compliment your walk.

Stand motionless
Talk on your cell phone
Be in the oncoming lane

Enjoy your walk. I will enjoy barely avoiding running you down on my way home.

You've come to the right place

2008-08-17T09:21:00.000-05:00

Thanks to a discussion with this guy, among others, I have decided that there needs to be an advice column for all the people who are unaware that they need advice. This could take the form of general advice to the world or to anonymous individuals that I encounter.

If you feel the need to express some advice, I'm sure I'll be happy to include it here. So just send it along to me and I'll make it into a post!

Stay to tuned to this channel for that kind of thing. Also feel free to check out my other blog, if you somehow got here but your real interest is Northwestern sports and my life in general.