no, Ill call U

Dear Seldom Welcome,

Im a regular business guy, but i want to be sure that everyone nos how cool and with it I am. SO this is my out-of-office email: "Out of office till monday call u then"

sweet right!? -Cool Dude


CD,

Let me tell you about cool.  Cool is proper grammar and spelling.  Let me tell you about sweet.  Sweet is using just the right punctuation, like a fine wine that perfectly compliments a meal.  Or like a sentence with punctuation.

Hope to hear from you on Monday. -SW

Holiday Five-Pack

Dear Ad-Wizards Who Came up with That One,

The Holiday Five-Pack Heineken Commercial: Not funny. This guy in the commercial is probably a beer-drinker, right? I mean, he so desires a beer that he can't help but crack open an already-wrapped gift.

So, you're telling me that he doesn't have any beer in his fridge? And that beer would be cold, while the stuff in the six-pack is warm. Also, warm Heineken? Gag me with a spoon.

So, if you ever give me a holiday five-pack, you'll be receiving a holiday five-bottle-shaped-welts-on-your-forehead. Fairly warned. - SW

More from Starbucks

Two letters from Starbucks this morning:

Dear Seldom Welcome,
All of my coffee order have several special conditions. Also, I apparently know the lady who works at Starbucks. Is it ok for me talk to her for several minutes after I've placed my order, even though there are people in line behind me? Also, I am kind of cute. Does that make a difference? - Girl with a Weird Hat

Dear Girl,
It's good that you have noticed and probably made very insightful commentary on society's double-standards regarding beauty and customer service. However, I would advise you that there really isn't an acknowledged double-standard regarding how long people ought to stand in line being talky. There is one standard. I call it the Get Ought of Line Once You Get Your Change standard. Feel free to apply it liberally. - SW

Seldom Welcome,
I would like all of my neighbors to think that I am a super-dedicated athlete. Thereby, I go to get coffee wearing iPod earbuds and running tights. - Really a Runner

RR,
No one disbelieves that you are an athlete. Until they see you in your tights at Starbucks, that is. Also, stop using words like "thereby." It just makes you look like a poseur. Well, more of a poseur. - SW

So close!

Dear United Airlines Billboard,

If you pay me $20 per day, I will proofread you.

Signed,



Seldom Welcome
Blog

Put them in there! Do not put them in there!

Dear Someone who Lives in my Building,

Yes, it does take a long time to pour the laundry detergent out of the cup. Those several viscous ounces pour soooo slowly!

BUT! Someone, it turns out you don't need to just drop the whole cup, plastic and all, into the wash. AND! You don't need to leave it in there afterward, making me wonder how something foreign invaded my washing.

Let's not see what detritus next week's laundry brings, kay!?

You can call on me. Or so one would think.

A whole new era of office-related advice!

Dear Guy who Tried to Call me Today,

I respect your persistence, but here's the first thing: I emailed you.  Maybe that means I wanted you email back? Just a thought.  Not call.  Email.

It was very clever of you to look up my company's website, based on the fact that I told you where I work (in my signature).  Now, I'm pretty sure my name is in the voicemail directory, so...how did you end up calling someone's cell phone?  That shouldn't have seemed right.

Then, after you got me (and I gave you my extension) how did you end up calling my boss's cell phone?  That's the weirdest part, you know?  Sometimes I just don't get you, Guy who Tried to Call me Today.

Talk to you soon! Call me!

More Efficient Complaining

I'm testing out an iPhone app (iPod touch actually) that lets me post to Blogger. If successful, it would mean that I could sometimes give unwanted advice to people just as they annoy me, rather than waiting until I get home.

I know you're excited about that prospect.

Posted with LifeCast